the consequence of love....pain.

As the holidays conclude, life returns to whatever normal is, I feel forced to realize "it is what it is". Life is what it is.  The only things I can really seem to have any say in or control in or that of my own life. 
I should have learned by now in failed relationships of my past. Some of which were relationships I walked away from after month or years of trying to make them work. Few of them.. we simply drifted apart or just stopped reaching out. Some of the folks I miss dearly. Some have passed away. Others I have no clue where they are in life. Of all there are only a few I wish to never see or talk to again.  In all these relationships- one thing resonates still today, as much as i may want to be a part of anothers life, that other person may not want me. Thats something i can't force or control. I can only respect the fact that I serve no purpose or value or worth in that person's life and walk away. People seem to be disposable. 
 There isn't anything I can do or say, wish or hope...if im not wanted- I'm not wanted. 
Its those relationships however that leave me feeling completely rejected, abandoned, estranged and bewildered with questions of why, what did I do, what did I say, with no resolve, no answers, no conclusion, no closure that haunt me. 
 Its grieving the loss of someone who is still alive that is different from someone who has passed away.  Knowing that person is 20 minutes away or 20 hours away, that you've been cut out of that persons life -unexplained- and without warning, that folks is torture. Especially with so many unanswered questions.  

Especially when that person is your child.  

It seems easier to get over past loves lost. 

A child...that's living a life you'll never be a part of, that's the consequences of love.  The pain that will be with me to my grave.