Its been a while

 As the dust has settled, it is yet again stirred, just a little.

While it can be quite therapeutic to write, it can also stir the dust that has settled.  But then again, writing isn't really the only thing that can stir up life, a song can do that, a smell, a memory, a photo... doesn't take much. That stirs affect on me today is nothing like it was a year ago.  Its much much less. Its absolutely finally okay to look at a picture and not sob. Or explain a situation when a coworker asks of the past.  Never thought the day would come when I could talk about a relationship with a coworker or whoever freely without shame, guilt, pain, and sobbing AND tell a story from another perspective - one thats no longer full of pain.  That dear reader is freedom.

I know I had to experience it and go through it all to get where I am today, which is a completely different person than who I was prior to the man I once loved more than life itself.  I thought I was a strong individual before him, I thought I had been through it all.  Little did I know, that adventure has only begun.  I would have never dreamt I'd experience the lowest of lows, and extremes of extremes in emotions. I think I invented a few new emotions too.

I know now today - that was the addiction to the naturally occurring chemical raging through my body - from the experiences I went through in being with him and then with out him. Dopamine, serotonin and norepinephrine, oxytocin, and the list goes on...some of those chemicals are very addictive. I can say I was indeed a junkie.  I definitely OD'ed. Lol. Anyway - for the most part I'm over it.  Through it.   When I need a good cry - I just read a bunch of emails.  Hence the reason I write today... its a rainy day and was going through my computer bag and low and behold - unzip a pocket - and a thick packet of emails. So I thought I would entertain myself and read a few.

5/15/2018 9:32am Decision made!! Can't lie and say I'm not bummed, very bummed. Not what I was hoping for but I get it. It sucks because these days are so rare. And I miss you. ALL OF YOU!! I'll be the typical guy an say thats be if my favorite parts of the night.  I don't think ....will be an issue. The issue is more your feelings after the night together. I understand, I will survive. For now I will drop you off after. BUT if you do change your mind, you better warn me. It takes time to set that up.

5/15/2018 3:02am  if you want to be with me....I will find a way. My plan is go somewhere to eat around 5. Maybe run around the next town, a movie or sightseeing.  Go back to my hometown, drop you off and then IDK what from there. Its is going to be your decision. But I do have an option just incase you want to be with me.  Of course....Im stuck until around 11ish. 

5/15/2018 4:09am  Okay lets do as you said. dinner, movie would be fine...if we have time to kill after the movie before you have to return home...we can find something to do. Sight seeing would be fun, go for a walk, go sit in the park like old times. I never get sick of goin there minus the snakes...... like you said the important part is spending time together "hangin out".......So we will wing it and take what we can get. How's that?  And if we think of something in the mean time, great. if not its okay.

Days later...5/18/2018 we had a conversation about dating...

2:19 Id have no problem breaking up first and then finding a new interest. 

    2:20 you'd just stick with the first girl you'd date - chemistry or not? 

2:20 No you date that one, if it doesn't work out you end it, then you start looking...

That was just part of that very long conversation and the usual pictures. Out of the entire  conversation the above is what sticks out. Ironic.

Hey I made it - read threw pages and pages of messages without a tear.  Without feeling anything. Memories of that time have really faded.  I can barely remember what some of those messages were about  - well other than sex.  

LOL he sure had nothing good to say about me going on a date with Chip.  Said all the guy want to do is get me in the sack. He was right-that is all he wanted-that was accomplished nearly every time we saw each other. 

We had this thing - we'd be in a moment nose to nose, and whisper - I hate you.  Which really meant I love was a painful I love you. I hadn't thought of that in a long time until I read it. Some very emotionally intense moments.  Stirs the dust a little lol.

I wrote not long ago- based on a post I had read about dying and what would you want those you love to know - before you go...that will be an email for another day.

birthday wishes

Happy 50th Birthday to my X/Y.
I chose to remember and at least be the bigger person and say it. As easily as mine is or was replaced by how many others, this date and a few others, I cant forget. I wish I could remember all the dates like you did. Perhaps there was a reason I wasn't suppose to. I can only imagine being haunted by 5 years worth of dates and times and memories to go with them. Sure I have the memories, but even those are fading. 
Hope your 50th is as good as mine was. Remember? I'm sure yours will be, you have many to chose from.