Same ol story, just a different conversations

 Me, me, me and a little more about poor me....thats what I heard this morning.  

How its unfair of me to put my story out there and how its my fault he can't choose to be an honest man...hmmm. 

To him, this isn't a story about how I feel, I don't feel, or what I have gone through and how I hope someone can read this and not make the same mistake I did...or find courage to leave a shitty him this blog is about me being revengeful or something - I can't remember the word he used...I wasn't paying all that much attention to the self pittied blah blah blah. To him this is "sudden".  What he doesn't know is that since Sept, Ive compiled thousands of emails into a novel.  I should have just published the book. And perhaps I still will if I get a wild hair up my ass. 

Everything is and has always been about him and what is and isn't fair and about his choice to or not to share his dirty little secrets. "HIS story".  So - he doesn't have to tell 'his" story...and I don't have to keep mine quiet. Im not taking down my blog.

I have nothing to hide and nothing to more or less be ashamed of anymore...I made a huge ass horrible mistake and I will live with the reminders of that decision- forever with a world of regret.  This is therapy for me - and for once in my life - this is about me, my side of the shit story and everything I went through.  My stupidity, my regret, my poor choices, my consequences, my bed of roses, my thoughts, my voice...and Im sharing it with the world. Cuz if there is one person out there that can read this and do better - I have done my job. 

If feeling attacked is all he's got now..., try feeling the shame I felt when realizing my purpose in his life, how dirty I felt time and time again, hotel room after room, the drive to my car, there was a reason I felt sick to my stomach leaving that hotel, the darkness afterward, the sadness - that was my body trying to tell me to wake the hell up - that dude was just using me.  Feeling all that is not NORMAL . Feeling attacked today is a far cry from what I felt for 4 - 5 years as a joy toy.

Sorry not sorry