I don't know what to say.... he says

Have you every poured your heart out (a thousand times) to that person you love (d) only to hear "I don't know what to say". 
That person that claimed to love you, that would say things like if only we had met in another time, can't live without you being part of my life, and so much more...

Instant Messenger app:

11:03 PM So tell me, how do you do it?

How do you live day to day not thinking of me, not wanting me, not needing me? Not that I'm all that or something spectacular- that's not my point, I've never considered myself anything special, especially to you. I guess I ask because some days I really struggle with the fact that you can just pick up and move on so easily. Like I never happened.

Morning Star and I visited JC Park a few days ago. It was pure torture.

I could hear your voice. I could recall instances like they just happened. Reliving moments id rather not only because they are painful.

Morning Star -  the brilliant person she is, picks up on it and with no hesitation asks, tell me the stories of you and that guy ( yes she said his name)  here....

To spare her the tears I was fighting to control, I say "I can't remember". Yet with every step there is a grief that consumes my every sense of being.

So I ask, how do you do it, you make it seem..

11:12 PM So I ask, how do you do it, you make it seem pretty easy. Is it hatred? Disgust? What makes it all seem less? Everyday I think I'm a day closer or a day over or a day done with you. In all reality its just a mind fuck I play with myself. To try to convince myself I'm okay. When in all reality I am far from.

How do I move on? How do I finally forget you? How do I really accept you're gone? How do I finally accept i wasn't the one for you? How do I live again?

We were so fucked up, yet what the hell were we? I get that the problem was me. I wanted you to be with me, I wanted a future with you, and you didn't. I get it.

That doesn't change the facts of what I felt. I'm sure that doesn't matter to you but damn man...what the fuck. Years later I still feel like trash.

11:32 PM I go so far as to try to muster up every worst possible feeling, worst, conversation and the list goes on...as to how either you made me feel or I feel in general..all in attempts to hate you. Guess what the more I fight it, the more I feel it, the more I don't hate you. I come to accept as much as i really want to hate you, I can't. Why the fuck can't i just hate you and be done why? Just why? Why? Why fucking why? Why Dude - tell me why. There's not one fucking psych who can tell me so how about you. I sure don't have an answer.

Knowing you, like I do, you don't either.

Do you know i still wait for the moment of CAC to appear in my sight saying let's start over...how fucked up is that?! I think I've completely lost my mind.

11:45 PM Do the triggers ever go away? The smells? The sudden onset of momentary flashbacks...do those ever go away? I've been faking it for so long I don't even know what real is.

I email you, sometimes you respond. Stupidly it does something magical in my head.

Every time I shop in town, I stupidly hope to see you. Even if you don't see me. Talk about bat shit crazy.

I still play the recording once in a while just to hear your voice. "You can't do this to me know". I remember that moment well.. you were running and I was showing you my boobs.

11:55 PM Sorry my typing errors are probably maxed, I can't see thru the tears.

If therapy which I now think is a joke....money sucking joke...has taught me anything its that.... I loved you hard and truly, would have done anything for you. Would have spent every moment of my time on this earth with you. Accepting that it was not your same thought or experience was and is still a struggle. I haven't found a way to believe it was all false. Probably because of the one statement you said...something to the effect of that you may regret not being with me too. And that's probably changed for you considering I've ruined your life.

12:06 AM And yes I continue to - I tell the truth about you and I being in a relationship for how many ever years whenever I'm asked. I don't hide it. I'm done lying . Funny thing, no one is surprised. They all fucking knew. I've not had one person gasp and say I didn't know.. why is that? Whatever the reason, they didn't give two shits what we were or were not. Yah know who did? You did. Just you. Well...no, so did I. But for much different reasons at the time than you. Here nor there. I loved you then and I still do. I always will. And I've accepted I will struggle with the battle of not loving you. Cuz for some dumb fucking reason I can't completely let go. Ain't that great? Does it stroke your ego to know I'm over her still obsessed with the infamous COTDC

12:09 AM Shit, I should get ready for bed. Shower and dry my hair...oil my wrinkles and lotion my fat... do all that witches do. Not one spell has ever worked on you. Just saying.

I love you I really still do 

12:10 AM And I hate admitting it, regardless of how you do or don't

1:30 AM I see you typing - 5 typing attempts but not one send 

1:31 AM   I don't know what to say.

1:31 AM You just did

1:40 AM If I died just now... what would you wished you said or done.

1:42 AM I've said what's in and of my heart. Yet it still doesn't matter or make any difference. I hoped it would but I knew in my soul, it wouldn't.

1:45 AM You weren't a man of man words. Or follow thru. I don't blame you. I wasn't worth that to you. I accept that. Just know.. You were worth life and death to me.

1246 Same night - A message appears on my Tic Toc Inbox labeled "account not found".  I open the message. Its a message that would appear to be coming from Captains account - how could this be? See - he blocks me from everything - cuz remember - I'm that shameful dirty little secret no one can know about -  Note - that I haven't hidden for last 2-3 years, if the topic of our relationship comes up - I apologize to the person for lying for so many years to protect dudes image and carry on the conversation .  It is what it is. And guess what?  I get thanked for my honesty.



"Not sent" says alot too..for the record, I'm blocked because my grand daughter was trying to reach out to him - she liked his dogs.  I told him what was going on when I discovered it - his remedy to it was to block me so - an 8 year old could no longer find him.  What a dick move.  Like she understands that.     From the guy who said - we had to be friends  if we break up - why is that? Oh right...for the benefits...silly me.