The Email I Never Sent... Sept 16th, 2021 September - James Arthur just kills me.. |
One of the topics he brought up was that not one of my posts talks about any of the bad things I did...
So here goes.. all the bad things I did!
I lashed out alot in trying to deal with all the motions I felt. I push him away with negativity and insults when I was hurt and angry. In every argument I fought the same way he did..mirror image- those arguments ensued usually - shortly after a hook up... having to walk across the black bear parking lot to my car feeling like absolute shit, because it was another "see ya later", "high five", "thanks for the great night" kinda thing. When what I had always stupidly hoped for was see you at home...
I lashed out when I felt rejected, was told no, needed a moment of his time and he was no where to be found as I waited sometimes hours for a response to an EMAIL. After a while, I'd just stop trying and be silent, quiet. I grew to a point where I realized nothing I could say, nothing I would say changed anything. So..why say anything at all. Why waist energy, thought, words when I had said it all so many times before and changed nothing. So...be quiet. That had consequences to.
See, if I talked about my emotions, how I felt, if I cried...it was all me being too emotional. So when I'd say I felt invalidated - that was a bad thing. When I wrote all that I was thinking in an email - I was over thinking.
SO the bad things I did; I was overly emotional, and over thought everything and voiced my opinion about it too often.
I was called evil...because another bad thing I did - was point out how much he needed to get the last word in, how he had to be right..I was bad for defending myself in any way fashion or form.
I told him at one point that I had a boyfriend - like I agreed to do that one day sitting out by the pond..I said I would, and I did - except he wasn't my boyfriend. Just a guy I was interested in - only t find out - he was just like capt too. Didn't like an opiniated strong willed women who could defend herself. That was bad because it was kind of a lie - that I attempted to fix..but also to prove a point - that it sucks being lied to.
Another bad thing I did was live in reality and want reality, want normalcy. Its one thing to "need" something...its a whole nother to "want" someone. I don't "need" anyone..I just "wanted" him..a wanted him to want me the same way. That was bad thing I did way too often.
Apparently its a bad thing to love someone like I did him too.
It was a bad thing to label what we were doing. So it was better to not put a label on it.
It was bad to wanna be seen in public, kiss in the street. the few times I ever got a kiss in the parking lot of Walmart or L&M, I was shocked.
It was bad to want forever. which to him, forever doesn't exist. Neither do soulmates.
It was bad to "threaten" him - that was the email I didn't send to his wife...that sits in my drafts folder still. That email was created directly after he finally admitted I was just a POA in an email. I knew that if he thought I'd hit send...he'd leave me alone. It worked.
Of course its bad to share my story in a blog.
So yeah, I did my share of bad things..said my share of bad things..timing for everything I did was bad too. Yup - I was bad bad bad...Apparently there were only a couple good things I could do we can discuss that here.
He also pointed out that I didn't mention anything good that he did... this will be a struggle to remember.
Like hang a swing in a tree for my grand daughter...and take it down. Spent a few hours push her in it too over the course of that few months. Played barbies with her. Ate breakfast with her..joined us for play dates at the park, the lake. Places I can't return to with her because she remembers it all and we both cry.. He referred to himself as Grampa once, just once jokingly in conversation. He said he loved her...I don't believe that either. Remember - I'm bad for writing a blog..that his daughter may read. with no regard to what a seven year old thinks or feels and remembers today. NO regard for her. Its about him n his daughter.
Gave me lumber, tools that were his fathers after his fathers death. Spent a few moments in the home he grew up in. Made a memory in his childhood bedroom too. And can't forget - crying in that kitchen - invalidated once again, told rudely to stop crying.
Helped me dig my way out of a snow bank. He coulda just drove by, but he didn't. SOS - another song.
I gottta stop, I can't finish this at the moment.
It all makes sense in the end- James Arthur.