I have about a million of those moments....I changed a lot of the music I listen to to avoid triggers of unwanted memories. Not so much as to avoid or not deal, but to not relive a moment of a past life. I like ,any others out there, don't care to relive memories that may be painful, work harder at forgetting than remembering.
Now I listen to more music that resonates with a direct message of how i felt or feel. And of course when I listen to the song or watch the video -I can't help but comment, like so many others do. Crazy how a song can affect millions of people.
Needless to say, most songs in my playlists are songs packed full memories, and my comments. I even have a playlist dedicated to the dude who taught me life's bigger lesson. Features a few songs about narcissism, and just men in general-relationships gone wrong. Some days I think I could write this blog in lyrics and explain the whole thing pretty accurately.
He "made by heart beat again" only to "leave me crying in the street again".."dont wanna close my eyes" cuz when i do "i still see your face"...blah blah blah. Every word brings me back to a moment.. dancing at the bonfire, the rain, the log that landed on his foot...the hotel room, that night- you said no one had ever done such a thing for you.
The ten trillion ways I tried to prove how much I loved a man. Only to find out he was a man that loved himself more than he loved me. In fact, I dont think love ever truly entered into the equation.
Sure we all have different ideas of what love may be, but the common definition is relatively the same... according to google: love is "an intense feeling of deep affection"...most would probably agree with that statement. I would. The feeling I had for dude was indeed intense and with deep affection. How he made me feel as a person was comparable to my addiction to sugar. I craved his attention, I needed to see him, to physically be with him. To feel his touch, to hear his voice, to kiss his lips, to feel his warmth...all that mushy crap. All of it was so addicting, the craving would leave me feeling as tho I was going out of my mind...with withdrawals. We often referred to each other as "crack..toxic, poison, dangerous" because of how we felt with each other and without.
I think it was the day he told me that "all good things end" that he made me promise him that we would always be friend's. Can't tell you how many times I was reminded of that over the years. I would say, during every argument. Which was probably on average, once a week. Not far from accurate -I assure you. While in some relationships -friendships can be obtained, not ours. When we argued we were vicious. Not at first, I "took" alot at first, but when I decided I was no longer going to be the dick mat, I began defending myself, my thoughts, my feelings, my worth. Things got real quick. The more I argued back, the more heated the argument would get. Keep in mind by the way- 99% of these arguments were in social media text message format or an email.
Perception is key...so is tone of voice, infliction, rate of speech, sarcasm, mood, and the list goes on. None of which can be easily perceived in an email or text format unless you perhaps have a fetish with emojis. Which he did use them a lot. I did not.
Needless to say, after years of arguing and being hurtful, a friendship is a ridiculous notion. My argument to his idea of a friendship was justified in my mind...what kind of a friendship is a friendship no one can know about. I had to be a secret lover...how in the world would we ever have a normal friendship when we couldn't be seen together, couldn't just dial up a friend on the phone to talk, or text like normal people, couldn't hang out like I do with all my other peeps. It would have been a secret friendship no different than the secret sexcapade.
Don't get me wrong, I'm all for friendships, I have friends who have been men I've dated in the past, even lived with...but I didn't argue with those guys like I did with this dude. They never put me in positions to which I questioned my worth on this earth. They never made me feel like cheap ass weekend girl friend trash. Nor did they ever actually tell me in an email...thats all I was. So I think there are many factors that merit whether a friendship will work after having been in a relationship with someone.
And for the record, I have forgiven myself for my braizen stupidity and him too. I just don't want any part of him in my life. Yet here I am writing about him. Conflicted at best.