to blog or not to blog...

Blogs…There is a blog for just about every topic I could search for. Many blogs in which people write about relationships gone wrong.  It seems once a person has been in this bad relationship we become people wielding advice around as if we have someone survived it and become experts.  

I am far from an expert on relationships, I haven’t ruined, I guess, enough of them to have expertise in that area.  I can only discuss what I have experienced.  And with so many blogs out there discussing their stories, how is mine any different than the rest.  I’m willing to bet my experiences  with my x’s aren’t that far off form what everyone else goes through.

So why talk about it?  I mentioned it before that I think its important for people to know they aren’t alone in what they may be experiencing or had experienced.  I spent a few years feeling very alone in it all – I didn’t have people in my life experiencing the same thing I was, so it was hard for most to relate and well – regardless of who I talked to about what was going on in the moment – I always felt judged or like I should be keeping this torrid love affair with a married man – secret.  Just the way he wanted it – his dirty little secret.  That didn’t work out so well.  I told one wrong person – he told one wrong person, between the two of them– it spread worse than an STD.  Only problem with it spreading like the STD from a 2 year fling was – he forgot along the way that he too told someone about us.  When the story surfaced – it was my fault it got out. It was my fault that I told the biggest community gossip details I shouldn’t have shared.  Little did he know – his buddy that he trust oh so much – was telling everyone too – right long side the gal I told my confessions to.   Funny how that works.

I’ve read so many emails from that time frame that were vicious. The battle to prove who was right and who was wrong, who was at fault and who was not, blame and more blame, the back and forth of words exchanged like knives being thrown, damage done that was beyond repair.  I don’t think two people could ever really recover from that kind of hurt in the words of an email  - words that we exchanged again and again. Email arguments were always the same. While the topic or the cause may have differed, it always ended the same. I would retreat. I would go silent, dismissed, belittled, run away – to get away from what made it all hurt – him.  

Things I couldn’t do…cry. I was told to stop every time. Have friends – he was always jealous. Find peace – it was impossible with all the arguing. Share good times – there were so few. Be comforted – when our parents died – we couldn’t even be there for each other likes “friends”, would be.  Hear truth – the only truth it seemed was his.  Reach consensus -  there was none – if it wasn’t his. Because everything I said or did was used against me. Why? Because I wanted more, I wanted a real life with this guy…and damn when that topic remotely entered into an argument – I got it!  He could never see my perspective.

If I couldn’t or wouldn’t encourage this secret life – and his behavior of keeping it all from his family – his insecurity would then take over – his game of how shitty can I make her feel-  would begin.  The golden city boy – couldn’t possibly look bad – or ruin his shiny reputation with a flaw like me. So I was the bad guy.  I got used to it fast.  Why did I stay?  I was addicted. The whole thing was like being addicted to a really wicked drug. Come to find out that is called trauma bonds – good, bad, inconsistent reinforcement – create a brain chemistry attached to the anticipation and trauma surrounding the relationship. Hence the reason why I always felt empty and numb. Like I wasn’t good enough no mater what I said or did.  God the things I did for this man – more I gave the less I got in return – and his explanations was “I try my best”.  And then I wondered why I always felt depleted – emotionally, physically, spiritually – and yeah – financially too- thousands later in therapy. Don’t forget – it was my fault. I was to blame.

With every trauma – aka argument, every time I walked away – ran away in his words rather than continue to argue, he would suck me back into his make believe world. Activating every trigger in my emotional being with his love bombing, fauxopolgies and pleas of how I have to be a part of his life and how he fears life without me.   Not one disingenuous word that fell from his lips were worthy of me.

So I wonder today  before he told me the truth in the email  and discarding me, had he lined up his next secret x?  Did he think I would start calling, emailing, freaking out, as if I am as crazy as he made me feel? Im sure he anticipated me contacting people – his new x and the old – and current wife.  Well I didn’t.  See, he really doesn’t need my assistance in that department, his wife has known about me all along. His new bee – I’m sure knows all about me by now – he did all that himself.  He set himself up.  I actually feel bad for them all – because I know first hand how he lied to me, how he lied to his wife and family, so yeah – if his lips are moving, its probably a lie.  Oh wait – I’m the liar right?! Funny how that works – I kept no secrets. I did lie – when people asked about us – because I had to – for him and his bright shiny reputation.   Tho I do admit – I did play his game back on him – just so he could feel what it was like to be lied to – and as you might be thinking – that didn’t turn out well for me – cuz I was really the bad guy.

Absent of depth, empathy, courage, my purpose was to serve as a mirror to him and his ego – what he saw in me is what he lacks in himself. Bolstering his fragile belief system and creating an identity he wished he had.  That very dark journey that threw me into the depths of depression and loneliness – unraveling every flaw and ounce of emptiness…made me stronger than one can image – I’m yet to understand who I am meant to be – but I am having the best time ever getting to know who I am today – in this moment.