A million questions..unanswered thoughts

How does a person exist within four walls with his wife and family when there isn't a room in that house we didn't desecrate?

Does he see me when she stands at the kitchen sink?

Has he ever eaten spaghetti or fruit at that table since I sat there?

Does he see the remnants of my thumb print on the mirror?

Does he see me walk across the lawn in my underwear on a hot summer day when he sits in that chair?

Can he still see me sitting on the kitchen counter top? Does he stand there still to feel my touch, to remember my kiss?

Did he move back into the bed where we had so many sleepless moments? Or is he still sleeping in a room without memories? Or the couch were our last argument was held?

Does he sit in the hot tub and recall every moment we were in there - giving the neighbor who watched us a show..or has he remade those memories with someone new?

Can he feel my touch in the shower? Does he have flashbacks of that day when..

Does he touch the countertop where I sat? He looks in the mirror I was against...

Did he save the tshirt I wore?  The shorts?  Does a pain in his foot remind him of the reason he has it?

He doesn't give a damn about me. He was slowly killling me.  I hate that I loved him. Cuz Ill never be her..

When he goes to the shack, does he lay of the couch like he did with me? Just to be back in that moment..

Does he light a million candles just to stay warm?  Did he smash those wine glasses and plates?  Hidden from any eyes I'm sure.  

Did he lay mattresses on the floor like he did for me- with her -just to get me out of his head?

Did he make new memories along the trail, in the stand, in front of the moon?

How many new rooms has it been? Undoing what we did for 4 years..

Does he stand in the shampoo isle just to smell coconut? Does he go to bath and body just to linger in the many smells of me? Does she tantalize you with something new?

When you return to the water, the ledge where we spent so much time, do you sit there recalling every moment?  Can you hear my cry? Do you stand there a hear the conversations all over again? Do you see where those tears landed? Do you sit on the bench? That table? That little bridge in the woods where you told me you loved me while you were on the phone talking to your Mom...do you stand there?  Do you return to feel  moments that felt perfect for me?  Remember when I gave you the rock - half of the rock that I have - said its the only rock I'll ever give you...throw them both back to the water.  Did he cut our initials out of the tree, like the all remnants of me from his life..

That bridge where you four sat...posed perfectly...do they know what could have happened there? No, thats right, thats all a secret from them. They were everything that held us back. Well - and you.

No worry's I know the answers... you summed it all up in an email Sept 17th, 2021.

So may women I suppose men too, after a relationship has ended wonder - why wasn't I enough?  I wasn't I someone he or she wanted to spend the rest of his or her life with? Why was I not worth doing whatever for? Was the value of my love for him or her not valued or wanted  - to be in a real - normal relationship? Was it me - was I the problem? Was I not smart enough? Dumb enough? Pretty enough? And ladies - there is a difference between being hot and beautiful...it dude is telling you how hot you are, not how beautiful you are - he's not in it for love.  He wants you for sex - thats it. I was bot beautiful enough - I was always hot tho.  I think I heard maybe ONCE that I was beautiful - when dude and I had gone to Virginia for a weekend...for dinner was formal. We looked like an old couple going to Prom...ate Mexican at a Mexican restaurant.   I no longer have those pictures to share.

I thought that was love...I was wrong.
I was merely an option apart from what was not an option. An escape from what he needed to escape because of his insecurities and of what had grown old, familiar, stagnate. An illusion of desire from what was no longer desirable according to what he said anyway. False sense of reality, because he is unhappy in the reality he has. Addictive drug- so he could feel the high he craved, that he said he never felt before. Probably another lie too. I was a body that wasn't his wife, something more than a "one and done", I couldn't believe my ears when I first her him say that.  Thats truly all I was.