This week in 2021... the most difficult way to communicate ever.


 Date 1.25.21                                          A ridiculous Email Chain      

ME: 8:45pm You will forever haunt me...Doing the simplest of stupid things like cleaning up facebook...and there you are from years ago..Like a hand  reaching out from the page grabbing me around my.throat squeezing till i can no longer.breath..will I ever Why do I have to continually be tortured?

{Included in this email was a screen shot of his contact information stored in a social media platform}


JOE: 8:31am

 Same here. I'm haunted everyday. I hate it. I want to go away but I know it won’t for a while.

If it's not a song, it's a location, if it's not a location, it's a memory and on and on. It's constant. Things that can't be deleted off a phone.

Just keep deleting the last few things and soon enough it will all I’ll be gone for you.  Lucky you. 

ME: 12:31pm
Constant would be understatement. 
While one can delete whatever from a phone or from a computer or the like, the memories stuck in the mind are not so easily "deleted". 

I can deal with the haunting of the song, the location, the memories can be overwhelming and all consuming at times, like seeing your phone number in my Facebook- your name in my Facebook brought me fast backwards to a time when that was a thing. Something so stupid rocked my world- i sobbed for hours. And more stupidly I sit here typing this sobbing once again...why! 
I saw marijoe in the message feeds and my heart..that cold lump in my chest literally ached within the pump as it quickened. Beating not just within my chest but throughout my body. Why!?!why such a reaction?! 
Just keep deleting and it will all be gone for me- lucky me...yeah, lucky me...i will tell you how lucky I am..
I go and do the normal everyday life myself. Observing couples, wondering if that will ever be me again.
I go to a store and pick up the things I need and hear "I'm sure your boyfriend or husband can help you" all I can say is "I dont have either" and walk away. 
I eat at a restaurant and when asked will anyone be joining you, I say no...just me, no one else. Observe the others in the room that won't make eye contact with the women sitting alone. 
Go ice skating, alone...not everytime, mostly with gd, but the times I have the look from others-families, couples. The little kid who asks "where's your kid" and I can only say "I'm here by myself". And the "why". So I lie and say, "cuz I like to skate by myself". As the parent looks on like "rriiiight". 
Yeah, im soooo lucky!
A man who has been interested in "starting" a relationship with me for the last probably gone. Because I couldn't let him in and yah wanna know why? Because stupid me still has a glimmer of hope in being enough for a guy who will never make me enough in his life. Im so fucking lucky. How could I get any luckier than that? 
Is it luck to feel loveless and empty? Shattered and laying in pieces on the floor at any given moment because some memory or feeling hit me out of no where. 
Is luck to live, to want to, to wish,  to hope you die in your sleep? To die in a crash, to just be dead rather than feel the hurt of living my pathetic life with out you. What the hell makes you so great so special that you YOU get to have that impact on my life, on my views, on my future? Why you? YOU- someone who has absolutely nothing to give me, nothing to offer me, nothing nothing nothing nothing. 
Yet here I sit, within the  curse, alone, empty, dead inside a shell of a body. 
I'm so lucky. 

JOE: 5:37pm
I’ve been in this same pain for over two years. 

ME: 5:42pm
Just two? Lucky you
5:52pm :With or without you im fucking miserable it seems. I hate it. HATE it.  
Is this it? This is what the rest of life is to be? Is this as good as it gets? Up and down Rollercoaster of emotions and sanity? This is it?!?!?!?!  
Never getting beyond you? Never getting beyond what I crave in you? Constantly judging another because he doesn't kiss me or touch me or make me feel like you do? Loveless, passionless, pointless? How is that fair? Why?!?!?!

JOE: 7:02pm 
I feel the exact same way. 

ME: 7:05pm And here we are - feeling the same with no solution no answers just questions and confusion and emotions and fml way of living. Really!?!?!?!

JOE: 11:57pm  There is no solution or answers.  All we are now is two condescending sarcastic assholes toward each other.  It's all we know.  So disappointed in us. 
This is an email conversation that would go to early hours of the morning of January 27th. 4:30am to be exact. The between conversation was nothing major - emails of small talk more or less until this one:

ME: 4:30am

 Have you ever been in this type of interaction with another person...hs friend, friend, relative...where you could only get along for so long. Over the course of time as conflict continued what happened? 

I have been here before. As you know.  While the depths and dynamics with those relationships with specific people were a bit different, with some similarities, to those with us- all but one ended poorly because of the constant conflict with years of no contact.   I didn't see the people mentioned above everyday persay. And well even with siblings- it was easy to let the relationship devolve. 

We see each other at work. That is the bigger of difference. Or challenge. Between you and them. 
We are constantly reminder of what WAS. And a  constant reminder of what no longer IS. 
And because of all emotion attached to was and is, that we identity with - in what was and what is - we can only for a short time stay in the present moment and remain decent before emotions of the past triggered by some response surface and stir the pot. 

Presence is the only way to overcome it. Have i healed enough to stay present? Am I disciplined enough in my thinking to stay present? Can I control my emotions to make it all happened at once...
No, no, no and no. 

What does all that mean? What the hell did she just say? 
We have not overcome our past, the wounds are still gaping wide open. And when they just might begin to heal they are torn wide open again. 
Everything is a trigger.  Merely seeing each other is a trigger of sorts that sets off a borage of thoughts and emotions sometimes uncontrolled. 
I've come to the conclusion that i really don't think it will get better unfortunately until there is real distance. And then! Because there is no desire to stay in contact (as already established) it would all die with prehaps relief. OR it gets worse. Imagine that....WORSE. Then what?

ME: 4:45am 
For me to keep my mind thinking in the present moment,  not the past, not the future, but completely present and not thinking ten million thoughts- analyzing every word when, infliction of tone, phrase, mannerism, body language- when you are around is nearly impossible. All of that wrapped up without judgment, biases, or offense. 
I would have to be unconscious. 

That (for me) is NOT normal! Its not normal for anyone!

This is an unconditional response that a normal person would have to someone verbally or psychologically attacking them, not that of a casual conversation.  There you have it.  Thats how fucked in the head i am 

JOE: 4:47 AM  Wow. I got to do work then read this a few more times.
          5:11 AM I want to think about this more.


JOE: 5:11 PM  First things first I don’t think you’re fucked up in the head. I think you’re using your head. Thinking for yourself and your health is just plain smart.  A lot of men and women out there let people walk all over them. You definitely stand up for yourself. 
Ok.....I don’t believe I’ve had this type of interaction with anybody before.  Especially with a ex lover.  I’ve never had conflict go this long because me and that person could just walk way and never see each other again.  But that’s so hard to do with you. For some sick reason I don’t wanna walk away even after all the bad. I can’t explain it.  A normal person would.  And you say you’re fucked up and ahead..... I am!!!

I do believe you and seeing each other is a constant reminder of all the horrible things we’ve done.  I do agree with that.  I also agree we have not overcome our past.  But I do still have a desire to stay in contact.  Tho maybe that’s not the right thing to do.  Because once again all we do is be sarcastic assholes to each other.  There’s no way we can heal doing that.  I don’t want things to get worse.  If I keep coming around and push, it will.  Another huge issue is trust.  Seems like we don’t have trust with each other. You told me the last time I was in the Key room the you have no trust in me. That is a killer right there alone.  

So what I’m reading from you (and correct me if I’m wrong with my words) really comes down to the animosity between us that is unfixable. The bad blood between us is beyond forgiveness.  Distance is what we need.  For now we would just constantly judge each other’s every move and words. That today in the present I should stay away so we can heal.  Is this the only way?  

Is this the way?

5:30 That was a very dumb comment about your head.  I don’t know why I said that.  I typed that this morning when I was half asleep.  Pretty much the wrong words.  What I meant to say is when you said you are fucked up in the head because of your thoughts on what’s going on.  I meant that you’re smart because you’re thinking about your self and your health.  And that you’re  thinking!!!  I made it sound like you were a victim of something and you’re not. Just a bad group of words in the end of the first paragraph.   Skip the first paragraph. Hahaha

ME: 6:24pm 
I didn't read it that way. 
I have to think for a bit. 

ME: 10:58pm 
I'm all over here, I can't seem to organize my thoughts to put this in any order. 

If I knew "the way"....we wouldn't be here in this moment - right now.  

Sometimes staying away works, sometimes it pisses me off even more. No finite answer there. 
I think, could be wrong, we can't fight even or argue or even have a conversation like normal people.  
THIS is how we do it. Email. 99% of the problem! How does one fix that? 

Rarely in the same room or face to face. When we have resolved issues face to face, maybe its just me, but its over and done with in hours versus days and days and days and dayyyyyyyys.

 How normal is communicating like that? 

Is anything we do or did  is/was normal?  If there is, tell me what was normal so I know.  Please enlighten me. Ive lost my mind and took my memory with it. 

My psych has a theory as to why we do what we do.  Why we don't walk away and stay away - But I'm not going to go into it here and its rather pointless. 

Whats fixable and whats not...I don't know! We will never know what is or isn't until we try. Its only when trying that we find what can be fixed and what remains broke. Somethings will probably always be broke probably due to perspective views wants needs. is huge for me.  And thats a long story, to long for here. I'm not patient enough to type it. I know we've discussed it before, old news. 

JOE: 12:05am   January 28.2021 The day of my Mom's Birthday.

I'll tell you this for sure. I don't stay away to piss you off.  I hate it.  It hurts pretty bad.  It eats up.   
Trust!!! is everything. If we don't have that.. we really have nothing.

 🤷‍♀️🤦‍♀️ That's all he got out of that. The conversation goes on with 20 some one line stupid weird random emails off topic, picture of an aleeve bottle and a whole new discussion about trust...

ME: 5:04 PM 
Read this very carefully.  Stop and Think as you read.  Comprehend what the sentence said. 
And then re read.  Let it soak in.
Then re read again and evaluate what you just read.  {An article about me}

And well guess what came of the article and researching the definition of Entanglement...a new conversation about HIM and his personality according to BRIGGs, and that we were doomed.  Something I told him three years prior.

My point was this email: many many emails later! 

January 29, 4:47am

I don't know about doomed. We are not in an entanglement anymore so its (being doomed) not really an issue.
As for a work setting, its good to know this information about each other for personal growth as individuals and perhaps respect if that's even possible. 

The take away from this little adventure is how little we know about one another. 
That's my point.  
When we don't know one another on this level..there's no foundation for real constructive growth. What manifests is dysfunction! 
We've been dysfunctional from the start. 
I truly believe everyone is compatible- its how willing two people are to make it work that makes the relationship last. 

Without understanding of an individual on that individual level...who you are! and what each individual can bring to a relationship with the other person and who that person is (personality type) finding common ground...that's when it doesn't work.

We had numerous things working against us.  It wasn't just personality 

One off the other things that was done during the course of this email was to watch the movie HEAL.  The movie covered entanglement.
The whole point was to realize how little we knew about each other, how little we knew each other period. Recipe for disaster in any relationship.  My other point was "realization". Joe was not exactly living in reality. He was but I guess not the same reality as me.  I wanted the next phase of life, he did not. He wanted this snippet of his life to continue just the way it was. Secret, hidden from his friends and family. Duality- the object in his life no one knew about.
Even in friendship, or the fairy tale thought of a friendship, his boundaries were tested and proven.  I mentioned previously that we would never have a real {normal} friendship he wanted... here's why.. I used to have social media, when I did..I found his account on the same plat form, 
I 💓 his post in a social media platform (of which I was not one of his friends on) - he deleted the post, so I continued to 💓 all of his posts. He deleted them all.  Why would he go to the lengths of deleting multiple posts a normal "friend"💓... like everyone else in his list of friends 💓.  He didn't want anyone to see me there either...even as a "friend".    Spoke volumes of who i was and still was not.